By Claire McFadden
You’re having that sensation again. It boils like lava, yet sends shivers down your spine. What is this terrible mass inside of me? you wonder, as every pore on your body sours with perspiration.
You take a deep breath and land back in the present moment. Your therapist is going on about feelings, or even worse, emotions.
You cover your eyes with your hands and rock back and forth as she casually mentions you have a bad case of that.
“You were just supposed to prescribe me Xanax!” You wail as those things cook a sloppy onion and turmoil stew inside of you.
She gently reminds you that she’s a therapist, not a psychiatrist.
“Zocdoc just said you’d take my insurance. Not my soul,” you whimper.
You turn inward, and face what glowers within. It’s ugly, unbecoming, feral. It’s everything you’ve been taught to bury and never dig up.
“In between now and our next session,” she says looking at the clock, “come up with 15 new ways to cope with angry feelings.”
Later that night you grab a pencil and a piece of paper. You set fire to a bergamont orange-scented candle and press play on your Studebaker CD player to release a cool breeze of smooth, smooth jazz.
You white-knuckle your pencil. Here are 15 ways you can deal with rage.*
1. Crumple it up into a little ball and go for a 3 pointer in the office trash can. If it’s an air ball, then go find someone with low self esteem in HR to scream at.
2. Fold it into an origami crane; it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no; it’s Shia La Beouf in Sia’s Elastic Heart music video!
3. Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit, feelin’ lit, feelin’ right, 2AM SUMMER NIGHT, I DON’T CARE, DRIVING DRUNK, I’M DOIN MY THANG–
4. Uncork it and tell the kids to go pour mama another glass
5. Chew it up like a fat wad of gum and pop it loudly underneath your tongue every time someone else in the car tries to speak
6. Blow it up and contort it into one of those animal balloon hats
7. Place it gingerly on the shell of a turtle and watch it slowly traipse into the ocean
8. Feed it to the dog and hope he doesn’t throw it back up for your mom to find
9. Flip through it like smut; maybe there’s something in there you can use later
10. Spread it over rye toast with some dijon and a thick slice of turkey. (Serve with milk for those with an Irish catholic’s spice tolerance)
11. Shove it inside a pickle and ask your dining companion at the mall food court, “do you want my pickle?”
12. Doom scroll through it for hours and then deactivate your account for 3 days
13. Sauté it, in the kitchen wrist twistin’ like it’s stir-fry (whip it)
14. Take it like Bikini Bottom and push it somewhere else!
15. Throw it back like a shot. Then take 12 more and spend the day after the super bowl throwing up and keeping your zoom camera off for work meetings. Go Birds!
*DISCLAIMER: Following this list isn’t guaranteed to make you feel any better. If anything, it will make you feel worse.
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