- Figure out my life (it is what it is, ’til it ain’t)
2. Bake cookies (then I have to find something else to do while they’re in the oven… that’s two things I have to figure out to do, and who has time for that)
3. Learn to play violin (I’d rather learn guitar and fulfill my childhood dream of being John Lennon, minus his pesky old habit of beating his wife)
4. Experiment with suppositories (now that this thought occurred to me once, there’s a good chance it will again)
5. Study (in 7th grade I figured out I could get average grades with minimal to no effort. Not all super heroes wear capes)
6. Go to church (refer to essay “A Holey Confession”)
7. Go to strip club (I don’t often carry cash on me… do strippers accept coinage? “Here’s 100 pennies…”)
8. Watch all 40 thousand seasons of Greys Anatomy (I’m too busy rewatching Goodfellas, Napolean Dynamite, or the LA Beast chug 3 liters of olive oil on Youtube… check it out here )
9. Play video games (this has the exception of wii Mario Kart, and on special occasions or a random Sunday with the fellas, Beerio Kart)
10. Buy and take care of a plant (I can barely keep myself alive and well)
11. Work on my car (I don’t own a car)
12. Knit a sweater (I could only see this happening if both my arms were broken… I’ve always wanted what I can’t have)
How I Choose to Spend my Free Time (whether I like it or not)
- Lay down in the shower and adjust the shower head so the water sprays directly into my mouth (being 5’0 comes in handy in the most mysterious ways)
- Stare at the wallpaper until the patterns begin to swim (this happens most often in a non-sober state while laying in bed and listening to Pink Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” album on CD)
- Consider the Lobster (a great David Foster Wallace book)
- Waste time (refer back to numbers 1-3)
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