Parameters: You have one piece of lined paper to answer the prompt in a sober and drunk state of mind. You’re considered drunk when you believe it to be so. It’s encouraged to respond to the prompt while sober the day before you write it whilst drunk. Give it a day in between to forget what you wrote sober, and then let the good times roll.
Prompt: Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Sober Response: 5/21/25
No, it’s not, and I don’t wanna hear any nasally “uhmmm actually”s or catch sight of any wavering lips preparing to disagree. I will die on this hill! I take this question very seriously. Legend has it that no one on my childhood swim team heard me speak until the day our coach asked this question at practice, and that’s when I spoke in public for the first time at sixteen years old. And you know what I said? I said FUCK NO!
First of all, that dog’s gonna get wet if it’s raining; it doesn’t have a roof over its head. If you buy a hot dog and walk down a drizzly city block, your dog’s bound to start doing backstroke through that ketchup stained bun. You know what won’t start swimming in the rain? The corned beef in a Reuben, the ham in a Cuban, or the cheddar in a grilled cheese. A real sandwich has floor and a roof. Sorry to leave the dog out in the rain, but he’s not comin’ under my roof and crowding my PB&J on Wonder Bread anytime soon, pal.
To those who disagree I ask, is cereal a soup? If someone accidentally spills a bag of lettuce over an apple pie, is it then a salad? Do man buns look good on most men? No! So stop trying to force a beautiful thing into something it’s not! (Bradley Cooper, I’m looking at you. Actually, nevermind, Bradley Cooper can make anything look good. Damn.) But would Bradley Cooper call a hot dog a sandwich? His character in The Hangover was the only one in the movie with any sense, so I’d assume he wouldn’t.
To recap, those dog’s ain’t got no roof, and Bradley Cooper could rock a comb over. I’d go on but if you had to be convinced in the first place that a hot dog isn’t a sandwich, then we probably won’t get along anyway. And that’s okay.
But could I crash on your couch tonight? I’m living on the street and I don’t mind, but I just bought a hot dog from that food truck over there and those clouds rolling in look like rain.
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Prompt: Is a hot dog a sandwich?
Drunk Response 5/22/25
You know what, I want you to be wrong, sober you. Wake up and smell the roses, a hot dog is indeed a sandwich.
Open your mind, all that’s ever done is lead you to green pastures and nine quail eggs, if it did. I would eat a quail egg. Scrambled please.
I once ate a cricket to impress a guy I liked, and shortly after I ate it he started dating a really pretty and lovely gal. The cricket is still inside of me.
Anyway, uhhhmmm hmmm. I really wanted to go to bed when I got home from the clurb, but by the pure strength of my loins I did not.
Hot dog is a sandwich. I’m glad I ate the cricket, but a hot dog isn’t a sandwich. (Napolean Dynmite impression → “Ugh, ughhhhhhhh”)
Good night.
Love always,
Claire
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