Parameters: You have one piece of lined paper to answer the prompt in a sober and drunk state of mind. You’re considered drunk when you believe it to be so. It’s encouraged to respond to the prompt while sober the day before you write it whilst drunk. Give it a day in between to forget what you wrote sober, and then let the good times roll.
Prompt: Why do a beer mile?
Sober Response: 7/4/25
As with all things, why not? There are worse ways to spend a Saturday night, like shoving fragments of glass under my fingernails or hitting up my most recent ex.
Is it the questions we ask that hold us back? Or perhaps rather it’s the answers we accept as limits, such as, “chugging four beers and running four laps of a track will probably give me a tummy ache.”
I’m not willing to think that far ahead; I want questions to remain open ended, and dumb decisions to be made sans deliberation. If you spend too much time considering the pros and cons of flying by the seat of your pants, then you’ll come to find that your pants got up and left without you. And imagine if your pants were having a better time than you, doing beer miles and having violent sex with Bradley Cooper every night while you mope at home on the couch next to all your self doubt.
So enough with questioning the poor and potentially-harmful decisions of your loved ones. In fact, enough with questions all together. Did MLK ask, “I have a dream, is that okay?”
Even any song title that’s in the form of a question is usually some yellow bellied bullshit, and has an obvious answer. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” He can’t find the clit by himself even with the light on, GO! “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” Drowning in pinot grigio with the girls on a warm summer night. “Isn’t She Lovely?” She’s grinding on another guy as she hits your vape in the club, bruh. “Who Let the Dogs Out?” This is actually the only valid question, and someone let me know when they find out. “Wouldn’t it be nice?” Yes, but Jeremey Allen White isn’t going to open my DM request from March 2023 anytime soon, so ima quit cryin’ about it and move on for chrissakes.
You know what I haven’t been crying about? The idea of doing a beer mile with the fellas tomorrow night.
So if you’re still left wondering why I’m going to voluntarily participate in a beer mile when just catching sight of a can of Keystone makes me grimace, I’ll leave you with this.
If the thought of it makes you uncomfortable, then it’s probably worth a shot, unless it’s an unsolicited grope.
Drunk response: 7/5/25 (Post beer mile)
Now I know how Michael Scott felt when he said “I ate more fettuccine alfredo and drank less water than I have in my entire life” after completing the Michael Scott’s Dunder Mifflin Scranton Meredith Palmer Memorial Celebrity Rabies Awareness Pro-Am Fun Run Race for the Cure 5k.
Why do a beer mile? So you can do it again and again and again
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