Good morning! Are you awake yet? Rise and shine, wakey wakey eggs and bacon bitch. Here’s my best impression of your alarm from 10 minutes ago: WOMP WOMP. Are you awake now? You look upset, but your eyes are open. Good enough.
We’re gonna start with some leg swings, nice and easy, forward and back, HECK YEAH! Loosen up those hips and give those hammies some love, that’s what I’m talking about. Okay, 45 more of those each leg– I’m gonna run to the bathroom real quick.
YUP, YUP! WOW! Exactly 90 leg swings in time for 3 bumps… I mean…what? My eyes are dilated? (sniff, sniff) Nah man, that’s just the eye of the tiger, you’ll get it someday…
Alright, let’s check out this squat rack, ooo ahhh… ya know that night club on Walnut and 22nd, the Iron Caboose? It’s that place that you have to have a firm caboose to get in, and there’s no faking it– they grope you before you’re granted entry. Heavy squats will give you that golden ticket, so there’s an extra kick in the pants to get to work, champ…
I can’t tell you how incredible the bathroom scene is at the Caboose from personal experience, no sir. I’m in bed by 6:30 every night. I tuck myself in with a teddy bear in the form of a 45 gram protein shake; I snuggle it in real close. It’s a small life to live, but it’s the cross I must bear to look this good…
Did you say I look ill? Nah, I’m too dedicated to centering my chakras to get sick. When I’m not in the gym fine-tuning this well oiled machine, I’m broiling skinless chicken breast on medium-low heat 24/7. There’s no time to go to the doctor or my dealer… uh, my STEROID dealer! Yeah, he’s a total punk, he’s been dodging my calls… but these bad boys are natty by the way, you can totally stare at my biceps all you want, don’t be shy.
What did you say? Your knees are buckling under the 50 pounds I added to the bar from last session? Don’t question your trainer, sometimes it’s good to ignore the warning signs and shock your system. That’s how you get RESULTS! Man, I wish I could stop talking for one second…
Did you just say “strung out?” Me? Nah man, I just pushed my bedtime back a bit to go to this late night rave where I was bumpin’ some K and just womping through the show until the lights came on, and I my face melt off and drip into waxen puddles at my feet. You wouldn’t believe it, but those puddles solidified IMMEDIATELY, and I couldn’t move for like, an hour, or something. It was kind of embarrassing, the employees at the venue were like “get this human quad muscle out of here!” All I heard was “human quad muscle” and I remembered who I am.
I walked right over to the 24 hour Fitness across the street to work on my quad pump. By the way, I PR’ed on weighted lunges, 300 lb dumbbells in each hand! What I’m trying to point out is I’m not strung out, you’re just lazy. I got my workout in before you even woke up. But don’t worry. If you work hard enough, you can be just like me.
My personalized, self-made, hydraulic, speed-induced, plant based, holistic workout program (which you can get for the friends and family discount of $1299/month! Yes, it costs as much as rent, but your body is your HOME) calls for a double workout today, but I think I’m going to triple it because more is always more. Remember that. You know what? Write that down in your notebook right next to the motivational haiku I wrote yesterday… that was last week? Man, time flies when you haven’t slept in 12 days, and all that.
OKAY! We’re ending with a short and NEARLY heart stopping cardio sweat sesh. The objective here is to come as physically close as possible to passing out without quite losing consciousness.
We’ll be working for 20 seconds, and resting for 10 seconds, for 60 total rounds, got it? This is just a HIIT workout– High Intensity Interval Tweaking- I mean Training– STOP CRYING! Okay, ready?
….YOU’RE 10 ROUNDS IN, 1/6th OF THE WAY! REMEMBER WHY YOU CAME HERE! No! Not because I broke into your house and shook you to reality as your broken sobs ripped through the serene placidity of your unconsciousness. You came here today because you’re trying to compensate for your bland personality with big muscles! We’re examining the skeletons in the closet today, whether you like it or not, buddy boy.
Actually, look at that– 60 rounds finished. Good job sport, you’re all done. Go home, get outta here! I’m prescribing you a few rest days. I’m going to go take a 3 day nap.
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