You sit at your desk and watch the clock strike 5pm. You’ve been hunched over a project your boss gave you at the last minute, this morning.
“Our asses are on the line with this one,” she said. “Get it to me by midnight.”
You nodded, and laughed so you wouldn’t cry. It’s Friday, and it’s now five past the hour. You can’t think of any halfway decent ideas, and the boys are cracking open ice cold beers and whipping out the cornhole boards on the lawn any minute.
You’ve got to think of something, and fast.
And then it hits you.
You head to the bathroom, and softly shut the door.
` Thirty seconds later, you return calmly to your desk.
This is what you bang out on your keyboard.
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A STRATEGIC PROPOSAL TO USE POST-NUT-CLARITY IN THE WORKSPACE
Intro
It’s 2025, but Vandelay Industries strives to stay ten years ahead of our biggest competing sellers. What if we strove to be ten years ahead of the world?
A strong, efficient machine requires freshly oiled cogs. In order for Vandelay Industries sales to shoot to infinity and beyond, we must break this operation down bit by bit.
A recent survey shows our employees are composed of 90% cocaine, 9.5% cigarette smoke, and .5% heart. While we could exert energy to analyze this data more closely, I believe it’s safe to say that something here is missing.
Each Vandelay Industry employee is of an almost caveman-esque level of simplicity. They’re a body, and not much else, as we like to say in my department (HR).
Food, water, cocaine, nicotine; there’s one more necessity that could increase the productivity of an average employee! Yup, as we say in HR, a good ol’ squirt.
Before any eyebrows raise or brows furrow, allow it to be stressed that this would be a purely solo strategic endeavor. As the head of HR, I’m not looking to have more paperwork brought to my desk.
What doesn’t require paperwork, and will improve the concentration of employees? Someone making themselves the master of their domain. As long as we persuade everyone in the office to sign legal waivers.
Executive Summary
Utilizing Post Nut Clarity (PNC) in the workspace will increase employee productivity, loosen up the corporate atmosphere, and give HR something new to turn a blind eye to. Thus, orienting Vandelay industries on the fast track to surpassing our sales quota for 2025.
Current Situation
Our workers are depressed. I saw the CEO pass out on Sansom Street the other night, right outside the doorstep of Bonner’s Pub. He’d drunk himself into an absolute tizzy. That there is a sad man! Rather than make the matter an HR concern, I figured I’d make it the entire company’s concern by putting it in this report that will no doubt get leaked by Earl in IT. (He’s been hacking the company’s system, but that’s a matter for another day).
Clearly, we need to let our employees blow off some steam throughout the day to prevent the stress of work becoming overwhelming. It may seem counterintuitive, but cutting our employees some slack on the clock is likely to improve their focus.
Value, Mission, Visionary
Vandelay Industry’s mission statement is, “satisfaction bordering paralyzing pleasure above all else.”
Strategic Objectives and Goals
We care about our employees, but not as much as the customers. This has been made clear when Carol schedules all-staff meetings for Friday’s at 4pm. (Like, get a life Carol?)
The objective of utilizing post nut clarity isn’t so much to make the employees lives better, than to ensure they’re nicer to our customers. Indirectly, the post nut clarity will contribute to the company’s long term goal of increasing the last customer satisfaction rate from 12%.
The employee satisfaction rate of last year was 6%, so to put complex mathematical reasoning into layman’s terms, if we double the employee’s satisfaction we will quadruple customer satisfaction.
Strategic Initiatives and Action Plan
There are 250 employees on each floor, and the bathrooms get crowded as is. The way to ensure every employee can access post nut clarity when needed is to replace all desks with shake’n’bake desks.
The top surface of S’n’B desks will open up to reveal a spaceship reclined seat within. The rest will remain unwritten. This way when an employee needs to take a PNC break, no one will know, but everyone will know.
Implementation Plan
Risk Management? No need. A little risk is good for profit. We also say that all the time in HR.
Monitoring and Evaluating Performance Metrics
Once PNC is reached, employees will be required to “high five” a PNC-specific data collector who will stand all day at the top of the floor’s aisle. This data tracking strategy has the dual benefit of encouraging office camaraderie.
Conclusion
I’m not sure why this proposal requires the exertion of an explanation, as the idea speaks for itself, but thank you for your time and consideration. Please don’t fire me, but please fire my boss, the CEO, as she hired me. I don’t want to work past 5pm on Fridays anymore.
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